Finding Mercy in the Middle of Humiliation

"Austin Gardner shares a deeply personal account of his battle with COVID-19. It wasn’t just a battle for breath; it was a battle with his own mind and a crushing loss of dignity.

Austin recounts the 'humiliating' moments of hospital life—needing help with the simplest tasks and feeling the weight of total vulnerability. But in that weakness, he found a profound truth: God doesn't love us because we are strong; He loves us because we are His.

Tune in for a reminder that no matter how 'messy' your life feels right now, God is pursuing you with a love that never quits."

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Transcript

Choosing To Cooperate

Relearning The Basics

Bathroom Humiliation And Vulnerability

Leaving The Hospital

Austin Gardner 0:27

I'm taking you on the craziest journey I think I've ever been on in my life. You know, uh COVID. I had waked up, if you recall, in the hospital. I didn't know why I was in there. I thought everybody was torturing me, and I was somehow, I've lived a long time reading missionary books. And so I thought the communist Chinese had captured me and they were torturing me. And so I was going on with this crazy idea for the longest time in my life. And, you know, I've already told you I had a catheter. I'm in the bed. Uh, you know, a fact is, you're only wearing that gown. I am embarrassed. I don't have my wedding ring on. I don't have anything. I can't see my family. I'm dreaming the craziest dreams. I don't think it's a, I think it's like a cruise ship, and we're going under and waking up in Arequipa, Peru, which is impossible. And I'm looking at the guy and I'm saying to him, I know you don't speak Spanish, but I can get us out of here. I can talk to these people and we we can get life. People are coming in and trying to help me. They're coming in and they're giving me counseling to help me understand how long I've been in the hospital. And I was being really aggravated and angry and smarley, which is wicked and wrong, and I should have never done it, but I was doing it. And the lady that was there to get my mind back in gear, she looked at me and she said, I don't know if you're doing this on purpose, but you'll never get out of here doing this. You need to wake up and say, I'll answer the questions and I'll and I won't be so ugly. And I looked at it, I said, ooh, okay. So I decided I would answer the questions and I would do what I was supposed to do, and I began to do that, which is really crazy and wild. But so I finally accepted what she said was true, and I accepted I wasn't being tortured, and I accepted I had COVID, and I accepted that things are as bad as they were and things are doing better. Now other people are coming in, you know, people are coming in that literally teach me how to brush my teeth. I mean, this is uh I mean I'm 71 and a half right now. That's just what 2020, so six years ago. And I am bothered by what's going on. Most of them are really gruff. People are nervous and upset about COVID, which rightfully so, no question about that. And I was, they weren't very happy with me, and I wasn't very happy with them. But I have to say, this young lady came in. Uh, she was my physical therapist, and she was a little tiny thing. I mean, like reminding me of my granddaughter. And she came in and she's gonna teach me how to turn over in bed. I know you think that's crazy. I know you're like, what in the world are you talking about? I didn't know how to turn over. I had no strength. And so she literally came in and she'd have me raise my arm up and then push it over and lean and grab the other the rail on the bed and pull up and then lay down. She said, just pull up. I know you can't turn yet. And so I'd pull up and just then I'd come back. She'd had me do that two or three times, and then she'd tell me to do it on the other side. And over the next uh, you know, I was only in the hospital like eight days, but in those eight days, she'd literally taught me how to walk again. She taught me how to do everything I needed to do again. And I was, it was so funny. She's a little bitty thing. A little thing. And I was a big old boy, of course. And I told her, I said, you know, I don't think my son can handle me, and he's a lot bigger than you, and he works out all the time. And she said, I can handle you because I know how to handle you. He doesn't know how. So anyway, it was really an amazing time. That little lady taught me how to set up, taught me how to get a turnover first, and then she taught me how to sit on the edge of the bed. Then she actually walked around and taught me how to use my walker and taught me how to get to the bathroom. And then that was a nightmare. Going to the bathroom. So I couldn't really urinate laying down like I was supposed to. So I'd have to get up, so I learned how to get up. Then I had to go to the bathroom. Finally, I've got to go and do number two. Sorry, that's the truth. It's gross, it's crazy. So I I tell the guy, I got to get up. And he's like, You can't just get up. Because, you know, got the alarm on there, and they're already afraid of how crazy I've been acting. And so he's he helps me get to the bathroom and he walks over there with me. And I said, Would you please let me just go to the bathroom? He said, Yeah, you go by yourself. So I sat down on the toilet and he's just looking at me. He's sitting maybe three feet away from me, looking at me. I said, Man, I don't think I can do this. I don't believe I can handle it. And he said, Well, I can't leave you alone. I'm afraid you'll fall down. You're a you're a fall risk. I was okay. I said, could you shut the door? And he shut the door up to about that much open. I mean, close to me. And then uh I got through going to the bathroom. That is embarrassing. I got through going to the bathroom. And when I finished going to the bathroom, I said, I I need I can't, what I used to clean up with. I know you're like, what in the world, Austin? But you know, when you're going through this, you're going through this. And so he said, You just I'll do it. You just stand up. I said, No, no, just give it to me. I'm embarrassed. I'm a 65-year-old man. I had never been like this before in my life. Anyway, he had to help me, and it was humiliating. I messed into bed once. That was humiliating. I mean, I'll just be honest with you, the whole ordeal was horribly humiliating. It brought me to a place where I didn't know who I was or what I was doing. Let me give you this one last story before I leave. When I got up to leave to go home, the little girl that had been teaching me how to do everything, she's over there and and uh I stand up and that that's what the I'm gonna use that as a thumbnail. And she reaches down and and I got on sweatpants and and I'm getting them on. And uh she reaches down and says, there was some mess on the bed. She says, She says, Mr. Gardner, I'm gonna check you now, make sure you're clean, okay? I said, What? So she reached back, pulls my just like you do a little kid, pulls back my pants and looks down and says, Yeah, you're clean. A humiliating, humiliating. And finally I was able to get dressed and leave and go home. I don't know that I've ever been so weak and vulnerable in my life. I don't know that every anything in my life, even cancer and the surgeries, they're bad. But COVID was nasty and hard on me, and it was rough. I want to talk to you real briefly now, just to close down. I I want you to know God loves us. God doesn't make bad things happen to us. This happens because we live in a sin-cursed world. Adam and Eve rebelled. They were in the perfect environment in the garden. They didn't want to stay there because they want to be God and make their own decisions, kind of like we do. And you know, people will watch this or talk to me, and they'll say stuff like, Well, you just got a God you invented, and you got a God you invented, you, and you made you the authority, and that's uh that's really kind of what happens there. And so now we're in a sin-cursed world, and and we pay the price for that. It's not fun, it's not good, it's not easy, but it is the world we live in. And I say all that to say this God loves you right now. And no matter what you're going through, no matter how much you're hurting, he loves you. And if you've not even trusted him, he considers you lost, which means he owns you and you've gotten away and you're away, but he wants you back and he's looking for you. He's looking for you. He wants to restore that relationship. Fact is, when you ran, he ran after you and he won't quit running after you because he loves you. I really hope you get a hold of that. He loves you. He loves you right now, right where you are. God bless you.